Road Kill




I was doing some breakneck rubbernecking the other day on I-4, trying to determine the cause of an eastbound bottleneck near Lee Road. But given that I’m president of the fan club for the Department of Underachieving Highway Master Builders (DUHMB), I already knew the answer.

If you drive afternoon rush hour toward Maitland, you know the routine: Just past Fairbanks Avenue, traffic clogs up because the right lane suddenly becomes an exit-only lane for Lee Road, so it’s merge hell as non-exiting drivers realize they have to get out of that lane. A few years ago, while I-4 was being widened, couldn’t an extra exit lane have been added, with the current one extended over the bridge as a through lane? Think about how many accidents or close calls have occurred. Think of how many parents have disintegrated into cursing monsters, never to be held in high esteem by their children again.

And while we’re on the subject of being stopped in traffic, think about all the men who find it necessary to open their vehicle doors to spit on the asphalt in front of a captive audience. What’s up with that?

Anyway, there’s a little-known state law that anybody responsible for designing an abominable intersection or lane configuration must drive it three times a day in bumper-to-bumper traffic for as long as he or she shall reside on this earth. I can’t remember the statute number, but the research department is looking into it.

In the meantime, please close your door, sir.

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